I want to write, create, and just plain exist as I used to. Looking back at my VODs, I had such a confidence that carried me for so long. I wrote a blog post a while back about creating a super hero to help with mental illness. Looking back now, I know there are two polar halves of my personality. On one side there is me as a super confident extrovert, super hero Mos. On the other, there is a depressed mos, unable to rouse myself from the cave of solitude.
This has been a recurring theme in my life, as I slide on this spectrum. I even feel that slide by the minute, when I am in the process of doing something. I am attacked by foreign voices, of conversations that might be if this and if that. This spectrum is the line that defines what is real and what is imaginary. With this same language, I can describe my paintings, which exist on this same spectrum of the real and the abstract. Disconnected from reality, these marks on paper carry the emotional weight of ideas.
Confidence is something I’m trying to build up again, after dealing with this last mental health episode. One of the things that is helping with my confidence is to share my creations on here and maybe make a living off of them. The idea that someone has been waiting for me to put a “mos original” makes me so happy I’m crying.
Tempered with the experiences of earlier bouts of uncontrolled mania, I allow myself to feel some excitement looking forward. Right now it feels like things in the present are stable and I am optimistic about the future.